Yeah I'm still doing these, will be all month, sorry but I see so many of these for American stores (and enjoy reading 'em) that I want to get some of our boys in on the fun.
I
didn’t expect much in Wilkinson’s, sorry Wilko because they’re desperate to
sound modern (I’m not calling them fucking Wilko, Wilko is the guitarist with
Dr Feelgood). and as I entered I felt my general disdain for the store had been
proven correct: the only thing visible from the entrance was a short and
half-empty stand with some sweets, some not unimpressive but not exactly
specular candles and a few pottery pumpkins, a half-assed ‘me too’ little
attempt from a half-assed store that’s only good for picture frames and wicker
baskets. I was so wrong and I am so sorry Wilkinson’s, they hadn’t just given
over an isle to Halloween, they’d given over a whole part of the shop, though
my initial distrust is still your fault Wilky, if your door wasn’t in such a
weird place in Liberty 2 Mercury1
I could have seen how awesome you were, of course that would have ruined the
fun of walking around going “there’s more! Oh my god there’s more!” but at
least I wouldn’t feel guilty. I took a fair few pictures, even though the whole
Halloween section was right in front of the tills no-one in Wilkinson’s gives a
shit – about anything – because they’re working in Wilkinson’s, I spent what felt
like ages excitedly snapping and I don’t’ think more than 1 employee looked my
way, and he just shrugged and went back to serving, it wasn’t even a
judgemental shrug.
Sweets!
From
the disappointing opening display: Wilkinson’s has done that cheeky thing where
they bulk out their Halloween sweets display with non-Halloween rebranded wares
in the hope that in your excitement (or need to buy off annoying children)
you’ll be excited by the Dip Dabs, Drumsticks and Love Hearts that have been
in-store all year and sold fuck all. If they hadn’t produced a line-up of so
many classic sweets I’d be rude about it, but seeing all these legendary teeth
rotters in a line like its 1978 made me feel exceptionally happy. Their trick
or treat pails suck but I would like to draw attention to the black one that
has Jack Skellington on it, one eye replaced with an eye-patch to keep the
lawyers away (original character, do not steal) . What most certainly does not
suck is the selection of non-Cadbury’s Halloween candy they had on show,
Maynard’s, Nestle, M & M’s, Fruit Shoot and Monster Munch (not shown in
this photo, you can see ‘em in the next one) have all put the effort in this
year, or maybe last year, some of this is undoubtedly left over stock, that’s
the way Wilkinson’s works. I didn’t buy any M&M’S Spooky Colours and I
thoroughly regret that – M&M’s in gross green and pumpkin orange with their
packaging skilfully transformed into an evil face with those same monstrous
M&M’s busting from its orifices? I was a fool not to snap them up.
The Disappointing First
Impression!
Or
‘Halloween for the would-be Middle-Classes’, for the imaginary American readers
this is actually a pretty good example of the shit Wilkinson’s sells, minus the
wicker baskets - rustic feeling cheap ‘pottery’ and candles in poncey packets -
and the sort of state of their shelves on a normal day, half empty and
uninspiring. Maybe that’s why they chose to lead with this shit rather than all
the awesome they had further back and around the other side, didn’t want to
scare off the regular punters with anything to ‘different’ or ‘fun’. BUT, in
the cause of fairness they do have candles shaped like human hands that from a
distance seem quite convincing and I think we should all take a few seconds to
enjoy the cute pumpkin drinking flasks peering out from around the Halloween
balloons like mischievous ragamuffins.
Things Get Better!
Set
diagonally back from the disappointing little set-up was a second display,
under the generic heading of ‘Party Decorations’ when it should have been under
the heading of ‘Holy Shit Who Said Wilkinson’s Could be This Awesomely
Macabre?’ Everything in this shot is gold from the huge poseable fluffy spiders
in the bins to the peel-off-and-stick-on bloody hand print but I would like all
attention drawn to the opened-mouthed zombie decal if you would; that is a
toilet seat sticker (sorry a CREEPY Toilet Seat Sticker, according got the
packaging) these aren’t a new thing but they are wonderful and I think this is
the best one I’ve seen, you stick it on your toilet lid and it looks like a
zombie is coming out the pan to bite your genitalia off (and presumably turn
them in zombie genitals) not only is that the right amount of funny and
terrifying that Halloween should be but the drawing itself, while fairly
cartoony, is just so needlessly and wonderfully gruesome, John the Toilet
Zombie is missing an eye and has a whole section of his rotted green skin
missing exposing fresh muscle and tendons. Subtle is nice folks but when making
Halloween decorations there is no such thing as ‘over the top’ (actually I like
a mixture, which in today’s market actually exists in most stores, we are truly
living in a golden age).
Thing Get Amazing!
As
Essex’s leading (and possibly only) Plastic Skeleton Connoisseur I just about
came when I saw this, nearly everything here is set back a little and was
totally blocked out by the hanging decorations of the previous paragraph so
this was a total shock and what a good shock. Let it be an official decree from
a Plastic Skeleton Connoisseur – Wilkinson’s own brand ‘Halloween Spooktacular’
skeletons are THE SHIT. The fact that they’ve brought out a whole range of
plastic skeletons in different sizes and price points like they were fucking
Transformers or something alone! Those heads and arms form a ‘buried alive
skeleton’, you shove the skull on a spike and then shove the spike in the dirt
and voila a skeleton emerging from your flowerbeds, I know these ‘grave buster’
type decorations are pretty popular in America where Lawn Haunts are all the
thing (apparently vandals take the whole of October off in America, they don’t
even take Christmas Day off ‘round here) but I don’t see ‘em very often in the
UK outside of the odd trying-to-be-hip Garden Centre – Wilkinson’s does dabble
in garden furniture so it makes sense they’d put one out in their own line
(again, nice to see even Wilkinsons getting in on the own-brand Halloween line,
makes me feel very confident about how accepted Halloween has become), I just
bring it up because I feel more included now. AND, AND, AND – life size plastic
skeleton! Own brand life-size plastic skeleton! For under £20 (it was £15)!
With this they jumped from ‘better put something out I suppose’ to ‘Halloween
gods’.
These Things!
The
fuck are these? They were hung between the Skeletons and the hanging
decorations but… I'm sure they weren’t there the first time I went into the shop (I went
back to pick up some stuff I didn’t want to carry all around Romford) they just
appeared and I wasn’t sure if anyone else could see them. These are some of the
most disturbing things this season, it’s the way the manufactures have manged
to get the fabric to suck into the mouth and eye sockets, it really looks like
these things have suffocated in there, and they make a noise and jiggle too! I
didn’t buy any, I don’t want them in my house; I had this unshakable sense that
bring them into your home would be akin to playing with Ouija Board.
And
then ‘round the corner
Halloween Mood Table!
If
you don’t know what a Halloween Mood Table is, go to Dinosaur Dracula (who am I talking to?), obviously this isn’t
Coffin Display!
Wilkinson’s
really are shaming the other stores at the moment, dotted all around the
central display – which I’d like to point out is the very centre of the store
and by the tills, some of the primest of prime real estate shop floor wise (at
least it always feels that way, I’m guessing right by the entrance is the very
prime real estate) – was these five-foot card coffin displays. They’re not
branded with any particular item so I’m led to believe that Wilkinson’s just had
these made purely for their Halloween displays, when did Wilkinson’s become ‘my
man’? All of them were just filled with boxes of Halloween candy of various
kinds which just about made them perfect things and allows me to talk about the
Maynard’s Halloween Mix. I should really do a proper post on these, which are
basically Wine Gums shaped like horrific things, but I hate this new style of
packaging, we had some of their regular versions of this style of ‘gift set’
for Christmas (Jelly Babies and Bassett’s All-Sorts) and everything that makes
these boxes cool is on a plastic wrap around the same plain featureless,
quadrupole amputee plastic jelly baby tub; they do open at the bottom so you
can re-use ‘em without ruining the wrap but one fuck up and the coolness of the
whole thing is ruined with one tear. I’m sure it’s better value for money on
Maynard’s end as they only had to tool one plastic container but for the deluxe
sets like these I want tubs that are properly shaped like the mascots, so I
haven’t bought a tub and I’m not going to. Having marvelled at their centre
display I turn to see what else than have and…
Things Get Thorough!
This
is where I felt really guilty about instantly writing off Wilkinson’s Halloween
selection when I came in, the other side of the this isle was showed they were
capable of being awesome but this side showed just how all-in they’d gone with
their range. As well as a wall of costumes-in-a-bag they had just about
everything they could think of that you might want for the making of Halloween
costumes all packaged under their Halloween Spooktacular brand. Sure it’s all
just stuff you can find anywhere else but I’m talking about dedication here,
this is only a segment of this display (Which was on the back of the
hanging/skeleton displays) and from it alone you can make the call that
Wilkinson’s really went for it with the Halloween products. For someone looking
for affirmation that Halloween had been accepted this was great but it also put
Wilkinson’s in a new light, even if they did have Slutty costumes (but then who
doesn’t?). I’m especially fond on their deluxe masks here, the clown is
downright terrifying and the bat/werewolf hybrid is nearly as nice as Asda’s
wolfs.
Slutty Costumes!
Speak
of the devil and it shall appear. Halloween Spooktacular has a lot of the
standard ‘sexy versions’ in their costume-in-a-bag line, I took this one just
because one of the few Slutty Costumes I really like is dead/undead Alice and I
knew I would invariably make numerous references to Slutty Costumes and thought
I should actually at least include some on the blog. I will admit that a lot of
Halloween Spooktacular brand costumes do pivot on the line between sexy and
slutty though (I thought the Sorceress in this picture was particularly nice).
The Most Terrifying Children’s
Costume Yet!
Our
Wilky’s has a whole end of isle capped with kids costumes-in-a-bag, I have no
children nor know anyone who has kids old enough for these things so I don’t
pay them much attention – EXCEPT THIS! This is fucking terrifying! It gets a
little less cary when you get up close and see the fur is just printed on a
setoff pyjamas but when are you going to get that close to a trick or treating
child – unless you’re a very ballsy paedophile you’re going to see this in the
dark/half-light from down the street and you could be completely forgiven for
thinking that it was in fact, a 2 foot werewolf. Look at the mask on it,
snarling, blood stained, hollow eyed, realistic fur fear-provoking. Have you
seen the episode of Buffy called ‘Halloween’? In it everyone comes their
costumes and a bunch of kids become little monsters, this is what this reminds
me of, only more likely to make you double-take and think ‘nah, can’t be real’.
Having
exhausted myself via excitement and trying to find the price on the
possibly-only-for-show witches I left Wilkinson’s with a new appreciation for
it and a body full of Halloween spirit, and a life-size plastic skeleton…I
totally bought that life-size plastic skeleton:
I
shall leave you with this picture of Nestle’s Halloween edition Mini-Smarties
box, featuring the most insanely happy pumpkin they could draw, if this thing
had tits it would be off them, it is positively DELIGHTED to be filled with
Mini-Smarties and it makes me smile, a-thank-you.
1 Really, the entrance is a
big opening where the bottom left hand corner of the shop would be, it’ s so
odd. Technically it’s probably Sainsbury’s fault as they were there first and I
think were there from when Liberty 2 (now called Mercury apparently) was built,
but that ruins my rant.
No comments:
Post a Comment